hi. i also test stuff here
i don't like elaborating or thinking more on how i act sometimes because it usually ends up with me being what i see as a ignorant fuck whenever i reflect on if what i did was wrong or it being wrong. idk i feel like i start monologuing to myself with a mug aura when 1. what i did DID make someone else feel bad (but then i wonder if im overthinking it or whatver YOUSEE WHAT I MEAN I HATE THIS WHAT IM DOING NOW. IM TALKING ABOUT IT AND INTROSPECTING WITHOUT ACTUALLY LOOKING AT MYSELF AND CHANGING ANYTHING. then i want to make up excuses and find reasons for why i did what i did or why i do what i do RIGHTNOW. and that makes me feel slimy and gross it just. i hold a lot of things i think i should reallytalk about inside and it rots and gets all nasty and gross in my mind. i don't feel like a good person and don't feel like i deserve things sometimes. and i feel like some pretentious asshole and idk man. im not a good person and thats what i say but if i stop saying that and move on to become a better person i wont be. but idk how to do that. and im scared like the fucking coward i am, scared of things changing. feeling gross and slimy speaking about anyhting i keep inside i think. its like im starting to open a fridge full of spoiled and grey and oozing rotten leftovers for others to see. i don't like talking about things that other may hate me for. idk im scared of being hated too. and im scaredof going outside into the smoldering heat and i have associated the outside with universal danger and discomfort so i don't leave my room and talk with other people so i dont know how to interact with people. and i think i have become a bigger dick to people because of that. i think its a thing i only do with my younger brother but when he makes jokes that are unfair, i feel like im going to scream becuase the idea of things being unfair to me i think makes me unconfortable. and when he keeps pushing buttons i shut down and ignore him until he backs off and leaves me alone, and i give no warning to this but. he doesn't seem to know when to stop and i don't like people pushing me past my limit. and im feeling slimy again i feel gross talking about any of this and i wish it would never leave my mind and into the world but here we are. its stuff that i feel is suffocating me and constructing me but i don't like to show it off and parade it around anf idk what to do. i should see a therapist but they can't be someone i get attathed to but i don't want to tell someone i don't know personal stuffbecause they are jsut some person. i have no business dumping my issues on them, but at the same time i can't tell someone i like about anyhting bothering me because what if they stop liking me? then thats less friends and close ones i have. dude i feel so lonely. but i push people away because i get uncomfortable at them jsut being near me and witnessing all of my actions and my state and my mind and i don't want to talk to anyone ever again but i want to tell the perfect one all of my burdens and they will be kind and gentle with me. slimy again. i want to live but i dont want to change anyhting but i need to change soemthing and i want to stop it here but i want to keep going and im scared and i want to go home and i am at home but its not home yknow? i think i should jsut leave and give someone else my things who will deserve it more. i really am not someone i am proud of. and idk how to be better. i need to be better but i dont want to change because it will push me out of my comfort zone. im scared to leave it. i think i should leave. i think im huungry. i dont want anyone to see me ever again. i want to leave. i want to walk into a dark hallway and dissipate. and be scattered into a million atoms that will become other things. i want to be able to jsut stop living but im scared of the pain that will bring me to death. i feel like a loser and i shouldnt have friends but i do and i dont know why but i really do and im scared of comfronting myself and saying that i am important to a lot of people and they want the best for me but i really think i should elave but i know they will be upset if i do but i don't want to think about it. im really not a good person. i suck. in my head coexists both an optimist who knows better and the bad side of my head that tells me im not worth anything and that im a bad person and that idk, i dont want to think about it. so i avoid trying to think and it gets me nowhere and only makes me bury it in the HORDES of other shit in my head. or maybe, dude, i should be nicer to myself becuase in 16 but also you are growing up so you should act like it and grow as a person but also thats shit that the principal says and that other adults say and. IM FUCKING 16 DUDE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? im a FUcking dumbass and i dont know anyhting and i dont want o grow up because i dont want to become a meaningless part in a destructive system that tears apart the world more every single hour of the day. horrible. its fucking horrible. i hate it. idk what it is. i dont want to think too hard on it. dude this is stupid as shit i dont think i did anything by typing this. but i did. now i have my FIRST recorded jounal entry that outlines kinda whats going on in my head. im not a good person. if i ever get to go to therapy again and i need a resource to discuss how i think, i know who to call. this is stupid. and now im hiding this so basically no one but me myself i gets to see this. unless you somwhow slither your way in here. hi.